Saturday, April 28, 2018

The Single Lady, The Horny Fool And The 500 Naira Note!


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Sometimes, living alone being single gives you euphoric feelings you can't explain! No matter how tiny your hole is, no matter how wobbly your chairs are, the fact that the space is yours, to control as you wish gives you a kind of thrill...


Still, there are days you just wish you could crawl back to wherever you came from, most likely your father's house: and if that sounds or looks 'terrible', you begin to put one of your suitors into serious consideration, anything to put an end to that status called 'Single and living alone'!
Like the day I was visited by a horny fool...
...
You know this is actually worse when you are a single mom, again, like in my case...
That night, 10:30pm, I was alone. My daughter was with grandma and I was enjoying the solitude (like Lucy Grey) until a knock brought me up.

I asked who was there but I really didn't get the name before opening the door to face a familiar face... My neighbor actually, I just couldn't place which of the flats was his at that moment.

"Good evening, I'm sorry, I need your help" he said and I was already thinking of salt, onions, Maggi or matches. Well, if it was matches, he would have to try the next flat!

"I just got back from work and my brother no dey house, I try use the ATM wey dey here, money no dey there..." by then I was calculating how much I had on the fridge, 'No' just wasn't in my dictionary!

"Please I need 500 Naira, I go return am tomorrow abeg" I had already left him at the door to provide one 500 Naira note, when I turned, he was already in my living room. The space shrank immediately due to his size... I gave him the money and he began to thank me.
While thanking, instead of proceeding out, he found himself a seat in my apartment.
 "what now" I thought as he started chatting! The joys of someone who had finally found a way out of hunger.

I had no choice, I sat. He continued talking... His work, our house, my stature, his age... And I continued giving the necessary punctuations with 'oh' 'ah' 'eh' until he got my attention, the same moment my bra which I had removed earlier caught my attention!

"I like your stature" he began
"hmmm" I said, thinking of how to sit on the bra without much fuss
"I like you so much" he continued. Maybe he really needed the "Thank you" so I said it.
"Can I sleep with you"

Yeah I know we all have those moments when our ears play tricks... It was happening again. So I didn't react to what I thought I just heard.
He repeated it.

And in my head, I saw my self on the floor, his heavy body pinning me down, his large palms covering my mouth and choking me, his thigh trying to push my legs open, his free hand gropping my...

My eyes and mind flew open and I stood up sharply, too sharply, I heard a bone crack but I was to scared to find out which...

"Please leave, I need to go in now... " I said sounding like the female version of Anthony Joshua when in truth I was feeling like catfish!
He didn't bulge!

Jesus! Where's the empty Fanta bottle when I need it!
"Didn't you hear what I said? I said I WANT TO SLEEP with you TONiGHT"
There, I didn't wait another minute, I was already close to the door and with one giant step, I ran out of my own house!
_
It was already way past 11pm... I ran to my friend's flat, she angrily got up, went to two other flats to get some men and together, La'bos looking like a 15 year old, we went to my flat... Behold he was waiting for me, no, not inside, outside, by the door... He probably thought I went to get some condoms.
.....
What after then?
It got dirty...
Matter dragged till 1:30am
Landlord arrived to evict him
Co tenants showed him pepper
Baby daddy arrived with 'bodyguard' to do Superman!
There was some blood and I think some tooth got loose...
I don't care...
I cried myself to sleep on a strange bed that night!

La'bos

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